I hate this part right here

Fast forward.

I don’t want to get into the gory and depressing details. Yes, I haven’t fully recovered. I'm giving myself time to heal. There is no deadline as to when to stop getting senti.

For weeks, my recovery mechanism was tanduay or the bar. Tagays with banot, ate che and holden started as early as 4 in the afternoon till the wee hours. I get to sleep soundly without hiding in the bathroom, turn on the faucet so no one would hear me and pour out my tears. Alcohol has somehow helped me not to get too emotional, not to pity myself, not to listen to love songs, not to watch sappy movies and not to read his letters. Lonely nights without the liver-killer would only make me stare at my ceiling, talk to my pillow and try to grasp the reality. I cried alone, cried with friends, cried over meal, cried watching the news and even cried taking a shower. Then I found out that getting drunk makes me emotionless.

If you've checked my Friendster account lately, my pictures would tell you that I have moved on, or I seem cheerful and enjoying life. Drinking. Laughing. Somehow, I managed to fake it. The old Jef has come to life again. I admit, I missed the fun, I missed myself. But when I am alone and when the effects of alcohol fade, magtanga nalang si Inday.I wish I will not have to go through with this "thinking stage". It sucks!

I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I don’t want them bombarding me with questions on what happened to my marriage. I don’t want them asking me what I will do next. I just don’t want to. I'm still in the process of healing, of grasping the idea of this melancholy. I am not ready to share everything yet because it still hurts. It still hurts revealing my tale when it doesn’t have a happy ending- yet!

So here I am trying to be better. Thankfully, I have an incredible support system. You keep my sanity in place. Thank you is not enough to show how much I appreciate your constant reality checks, counseling and for crying with me. You make healing faster. You make me realize that I am stronger than I thought.

At present, Inday is taking one step at a time.